pen and paper.

there's a hole in my bucket.

2010-09-08T07:20:00.000-07:00

when i am being strong, i am not the kind of girl who finds buttons. i am the kind of girl who finds roads and mountains and oceans. to be crossed and conquered. not looking in the grass, on the street for tiny treasures, but eyes forward only aware of a periphery that might become hostile.

i am not the kind of girl who dances. i am the kind of girl who marches. forward. always forward.

i create, but not out of creativity. out of necessity. plans and mantras.

today, i think i would like to be the kind of girl who moves mountains and finds a button underneath.

gold star.

2010-07-13T12:28:00.000-07:00

dear blog,

you are my grown up refrigerator. today i am hanging up two "A's". french and mediation (and a graduate class at that).

being proud of an accomplishment gets more difficult as i get older. especially of doing well in school. the synapses are shouting "you've always done fine in school, why does it matter now? and... you're old. too old to be proud of your undergrad degree."

well... it's true. i am old(er than the average "college kid") and i have always received decent grades. but never while juggling a full-time life. full-time transitions. full-time relationships. full-time work load (ok, lying... it's part-time right now. but it went with my anadiplosis).

so, i'm proud of my summer class A's. stick a magnet on that.

xoxo, b.

in case you were wondering.

2010-07-07T12:37:00.000-07:00

right now:

i am eating a cheese and bean burrito at my desk (because i didn't have time to eat in the car between phone calls).
i am working on french homework (les devoirs de français est très exigeante).
i am returning emails (a few months behind).
i am choosing flowers (for the wedding that is two weeks away).
i am texturing walls(in a house that needs more attention than we anticipated).
i am visiting friends and family (and employing them to help on aforementioned home and wedding).

and at this moment i am leaving the office to pick up a marriage license.

:)

(to say the least.)

2010-05-25T11:48:00.000-07:00

let me tell you about the man i am marrying. the man i love.

he is a man full of integrity and wisdom. and he is so funny. he loves people. loves. in action. in word. in lack of criticism. without expectation or assumption.

he is a good man. the best man i have ever know. something i decided far before i knew i would ever fall in love with him.

he is the kind of man that is as good and honorable when no one is watching as he is when everyone is watching.

he claims to have difficulty with risk-taking, but is living where he is because he chose to move away from everything he knew to live a dream.

he claims to have difficulty being a "finisher" but he never quits. never gives up. on his family, his friends, his work, his dreams.

we are getting married in less than two months. i'm pretty stoked. (to say the least.)

and the penguin shall fly by rocket.

2010-05-05T21:55:00.000-07:00

whoa. not really sure what i was thinking with all that kitten love posting. it's been a sleepless week (month (year)).

i've been thinking about creativity. childlike love. and the greatness, the inexplicable wonder that God can do.

it started with a five year old creative genius. and plans to send a penguin to saturn (in order to stop his bullying ways. pluto is tired of being picked on.)

more thoughts on that later. for now i just needed something un-kitten related up.

smitten kitten.

2010-05-01T18:39:00.000-07:00

i was recently asked why i am so obsessed with kittens. well, first i would like to clarify that i am not obsessed. i just think they are one of God's greatest (and cutest) creations. i do not study types of kittens like that girl in elementary school who knew everything about horses and often pretended to be one (don't act like you don't know who i'm talking about). i simply chase after strays in the street and might possibly decoupage pictures of cutie kittens to my table.

tonight, while sitting in my car watching my neighborhood (sometimes i'm just too tired to get out and walk into the house.) a little kitten pranced into the street. turned and looked at me. walked away. and i realized why i love them.

kittens are equally cute and graceful. childlike and cool. few other animals posses that skill. dogs: fun, bumbling. birds: beautiful, sometimes twitter about (that word has a real, non-technology meaning, you know) but not fully playful... there are thousands of other animals, but i'm not going to go over them all. i'm already getting bored.

i guess what it comes down to is this: i want to be like a kitten... but not in the weird horse-girl kind of way. or creepy jerry springer guest who gets tattoos and a tail surgically added. no.

in big(est of my life ever) news, i am getting married! but i've never been so good about writing big news. so i will leave that sweet(est) story for another hour. when a 20 page term paper is not mocking me.

at the perfiery of a life i love.

2010-03-04T11:43:00.001-08:00

i am a planner. i plan. except when i don't. when i live on a whim.
confused? so is my heart. that beats (wildly against my ribs to break free to fly) in rhythm. that always needs to know to be sure to have a plan to do or be able to plan to be wild.

a heart that is sometimes wrong. but doesn't always know it.
a heart that is sometimes broken. but doesn't always feel it.
a heart that sometimes tries to control a mind that knows better.

when i feel anxious i plan. plan. plan. for a future that might be alone. plan.plan.plan. for a life that might never be good enough to share. planplanplan. the answers to questions to accusations to failures that continue to linger at the perfiery of a life i love.

and i look to all the wrong places for all the right answers.
I will never leave you nor forsake you.

a promise.

so not spoken.

2010-02-16T12:06:00.000-08:00

no story is of its own entity. we all pay royalities to the lives that come in and out and become the major artery in a minor life. this is something i am hyper aware of.

i wonder how it is that anyone ever writes anything at all.

somewhere in it all is hope.

2009-12-16T05:37:00.000-08:00

it is 5:30am. and i have been writing since... sometime yesterday.
writing for ten hours straight about war. civil war. neighbors annihilating each other. it hurts my heart.

but it's more than just the past ten hours. it's the past year studying violence and inequality and hurting. inundated in it.

but it is more than just the past year. it is the past ten years. eyes open to hate and hopelessness.

i want to close my books. close my eyes. stop reading and writing and seeing the world beyond my bathroom mirror. but that is not a solution.

right now i do not feel that studying war and hate is a solution either. but knowledge is the beginning of understanding. and in understanding i know where to seek wisdom.

and somewhere in it all is hope. i believe.

until he cries out.

2009-10-19T17:33:00.000-07:00

Thus says the Lord, "Cursed is the man who trusts in mankind and makes flesh his strength, and whose heart turns away from the Lord.
For he will be like a bush in the desert, and will not see when prosperity comes, but will live in stony wastes in the wilderness, a land of salt without inhabitant.
Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord and whose trust is the Lord.
For he will be like a tree planted by the water, that extends its roots by a stream and will not fear when the heat comes; but its leaves will be green, and it will not be anxious in a year of drought nor cease to yield fruit."

the thing is, God is not cursing them.
He does not say "I curse the man..."
it is just this way. put your trust in mankind, you're gonna lose out.

and it is so easy to read this and say (all bitter-like) "yeeeah, i knew i couldn't trust people! guh! they always disappoint me!"

but "mankind" and "flesh" means... ourselves.
put your trust in your own abilities, you're gonna lose out. you're gonna get hurt. and when the heat comes, you're gonna get burned.

heal me, O Lord, and i will be healed; save me and i will be saved. for You are my praise.

because He always provides an escape.
cursed is the man... until he cries out.

(it's Jeremiah 17v5-8 and v14... in case you were wondering.)

he calls me beauty.

2009-10-04T09:16:00.000-07:00

dear blog,

today i am a tiny bit tired.

i am supposed to be writing my papier (that is another language for paper.).

it is sunday and i am in the office and not in church. and that makes my heart heavy. not because i think God is disappointed in me (He loves me. always.) but because sundays are for being with people. and i am not.
"it will not always be this way" has been my mantra of the year(s). and it won't. but today it is. and today i feel like it always will be.

he calls me beauty. sweet one. my love.
and schnookum honey puddin' pie. it makes me laugh because he is joking. but he is not.
a feeling that wells up underneath my ribs. and i think that i will burst but i will not.

you get to a certain age and you think you will not experience new feelings. and then you do. like navigating through a foreign language where you know all the nouns but none of the verbs. and it's good like you never thought it could be.

xoxo,
bridget.

strum and drang.

2009-09-22T06:37:00.000-07:00

got a new car. made a right (wrong) turn into a river of mud (and water). almost flooded the car. got it out just in the nick of time (as all rain and lightening and hail broke loose) thanks to adana and a stranger (sometimes i talk to them) who helped pulled it out with some chains and a big truck.

lesson learned: when mamaw says don't go out yet... listen.
second lesson learned: when you see a river in a ditch, don't turn into it.

we are still. we are always.

2009-09-17T11:59:00.000-07:00

today is my (used-to-be-step) sister's birthday. we are three months (and too much heartach) apart. to the day. born in the same hospital room (in two different worlds.).

i send a trite message of love and wishes across the social network of choice. her "love you" back makes my heart heavy.

i never loved enough. until it was too late.

i didn't want her family.
i didn't want her to be one of my best friends.
i didn't want to see her broken heart. didn't want to acnowledge my family's part in that. didn't want to look beyond my own disappointments.

and maybe we were young. but maybe i knew better anyway.

we are no longer sisters by marriage. but we are still sisters. through history, late-night secrets, tears, forgiveness, giggles, grace, love. things that are stronger than divorce.

we are still sisters.
we are always sisters.

a work in progress. a way to process.

2009-09-09T10:33:00.000-07:00

did i mention that i am a work in progress?

i (kind of) want to panic.
medical bills beyond my income.
complications beyond my understanding.
problems i cant afford to fix.
like my car with too many miles. how long can i go with this rattle?
10 more miles? 10,000?

i trust. i trust. i try to create my own solutions.
but this is beyond me.

and then my car broke down.

but see, here is where things get complicated...

if it was just all this. and i was just me. i could bottle it up, work it out, cry a little, get more jobs, get more busy.

when i am alone. when i am an island. i am only my own burden. no one else to taint with the bloodshed of a thousand histories.
i hate. hate. the thought that my presence might become someone else's burden.

i was recently told by people with wisdom that this is a season of a deeper understanding of the Father's love. that i am surrounded in safety.
right now that feels a little off. but i know it is not. so i'll fight the good fight.

hold fast to my heart.

2009-08-25T20:55:00.000-07:00

i have not written in awhile. because. i am happy. because. i am in love.

i often write to process. fear, disappointment, things that are too heavy to hold fast to my heart. things that are easier to work out in tears and paper. a solitary assignment.

when i am happy, my processing is about hope. things i hope for. things hoped for that have come to pass.

the interesting thing about processing hope is that if i am not careful, it is shrouded in fear.
this superstitious fear that if i talk too much about it. or, worse, mark it permanently in ink (or type) it will... disappear. all things hoped for. gone, with the markings of a silly girl as witness to such ridiculous thoughts.

but that is not how hope works. because i have a God who loves me more than that. who delights in my hopes and destroys my fears.

so...

dear blog,
life is so good. sometimes i think my heart will burst.
xoxo,
b.

and this.

2009-07-28T17:43:00.000-07:00

sometimes i put myself in dangerous situations.

and this? i say.
i have been through fire. i say. and this?
i am tough. i have endured. i have survived. i say.
and this?
my life has been threatened. i say. and i have lived.
and this? will this hurt me? will this kill me?
my heart is stronger than my body. i say.
and this? this i can survive.
but what if i can't?

a test. because i haven't trusted a Father to protect my heart. because i am afraid. that i am the only one fighting. and that if i'm not tough enough, maybe this will be the one to break me. beyond repair.

we (suddenly) realize.

2009-07-22T13:14:00.001-07:00

sometimes, in the midst of things, we think "oh. this might be something big someday."

and then sometimes. in the midst of things. we (suddenly) realize "this. this is something bigger than i have known."

that thought alone can be shocking. but (in this moment) what has struck me the most is the peace in the realization. the (complete) lack of fear in a life-changing time.

cowboy, baby.

2009-07-10T13:03:00.000-07:00

today i fold bandanas for a living. clean cowboy hats and polish sheriff badges.

(come a little coser, baby.)

i am not above this. a lesson i learned years ago. this. this i am not above. cleaning toilets. carrying boxes. folding. washing.

i like when my job turns odd.

orange slice in a river of mystery.

2009-07-02T10:55:00.000-07:00

last night i watched a harvest moon set. orange slice in a river of mystery. mermaids? mernjas? i cannot say for sure, but yes.

sometimes i worry that friends like me because i seem adventurous. but i am not always. often i am quite boring. one cannot always move to foreign countries on a whim or hop on greyhound buses (more ridiculous than adventurous, turns out.).
sometimes i do not want to try new things. sometimes i want to wear black t-shirts. sometimes i want to blend in.
sometimes i want to stay.

at some point, i'm gong to need people to be okay with my staying.

flash of brilliance.

2009-06-26T12:06:00.000-07:00

sometimes i am a problem solving genius.
(today.)
sometimes i am not.
(the rest of this week.)

being a genius for one moment negates all the pointless hours spent previously not being a genius. in my opinion. and right now i am a genius, so my opinion counts.

you have about 45 minutes to benefit from my geniosity.

(yes, that is genius and generosity. i create words. and the world benefits.)

sweet water.

2009-06-23T11:26:00.000-07:00

sometimes my voice tastes a little bitter. and i am sorry for that. this is a journey of healing. in hopes for sweeter waters.

i am not angry. but sometimes the hurt of unfulfilled expectation can creep in on days when i am tired. it comes in and says,
bridget, your life is ridiculous. and building roots is a worthless effort.

and, well. that is ridiculous. i know it is. but when i am not sleeping right, i will accept all these lies as truth. but only for a moment.

on a different note. i am a french minor. (as in education. i am not an under-age frenchy.) i vaguly remember having this discussion with my advisor:

young college advisor: by the time you finish (i'd like to think she was not saying "by the time" in a condescending way. however, im pretty sure the fact that she is a smidge younger than me automatically makes that phrase patronizing.) you will have almost enough credits to have a french minor.
me: hmm.

recently i looked at my transcript...
major: international studies
minor: french
thoughts: wait, what?

i guess i didnt realize that was a definitive discussion. see, it's not that i don't want that extra little cupcake to my degree. it's just that key phrase "almost enough". does "almost enough" put me into another semester? a french literature class? an expectation from future employers that i speak french fluently?

rosetta stone and i are about to become bff's.

like the tide coming in.

2009-06-22T18:32:00.000-07:00

i will make it impossible for you to not love me.
because you are the one person that is supposed to. and if i can't make you love me. something is wrong. with me.

and i can feel the panic coming on. like the tide coming in against the jetty. (i will still be here when it goes out. the same. it feels like we will break but we will not.)

when will your apathy stop wrecking me?
(when will you stop leaving your backpack in the livingroom?)

i am not 5. i am not 15. i am not your daughter.
but i keep claiming your name.
and let's be honest. it's just getting a little embarassing for everyone.

sheets to the wind.

2009-06-10T23:20:00.000-07:00

i have purple sheets with white polka dots.

i have purple sheets with white polka dots because i can. because right now i sleep alone. because one day i might need to consider buying chocolate brown or blue sheets. one day i might gladly give up my twin-sized purple polka-dotted sheets for a more gender neutral sleeping ground.

but until that day i will rejoice in my decision to own very female, very single-girl bedding. i will slip between the cool sheets. i will wiggle towards the center. and i will feel pretty. the kind of pretty that only clean purple polka-dot sheets and solitude can grant.

lovey lovey apple glass.

2009-06-04T08:32:00.000-07:00

i had a dream i was being chased by a bad man (he was bad. you don't need details.).
i realized i couldn't out run him anymore.
so i turned myself into three little gelatin strips (pink.yellow.blue.) and floated into the pool.
because that is what you do.

given a choice i might have picked a different super power, but i suppose this comes in handy as well.

in other news, i have been reunited with my beloved martinelli's little apple-glass apple juice. oh apple-glass, please never turn plastic again. you are so cute and round and environmentally friendly. i love you.

swf seeks sm between the ages of moustache and full beard.

2009-05-31T21:56:00.000-07:00

last week at recess one of my second grade students was watching a college boy (yes, boy) play baseball. this is the conversation that followed:

kyla: miss bridget, that guy is really cute.
me: oh yeah?
kyla: yes! you would date him.
me: hah! ohhh... i think he's probably too young for me.
kyla: nooo... he has a mustache!

i'd kind of like to know what her "grown up" indicator for girls is.

this end.

2009-05-26T11:21:00.000-07:00

i do not like endings. please don't try to change my mind.

i do not care about the new opportunities that are to come.
i do not care about "tis better to have loved and lost".
i do not care if they are happy endings. i do not like them.

i don't like goodbyes because it is the acknowledgement that this is the end. of something.
a moment. a friendship. an era. a life.

that talk that changes things. everything. and ends what we can never go back to.

the last goodbye. hospital room. unnatural lighting. too young. too fast. too much to leave behind.

and the ones that sneak up on you. that trick you into thinking it isn't an end until you realize there are no more beginnings. no more walks in a neighborhood. no more spontaneous adventures. no more. adolescence slipped away, unnoticed.

i know. every story must have a beginning middle end. i know.
and tomorrow i will say tis better to have loved. tomorrow i will embrace opportunity. tomorrow.

but today. today i am saying goodbye. and i do not like it. not one bit.
you cannot change my mind.

luck be a pollie.

2009-05-18T19:19:00.000-07:00

a conversation i had with my six-year-old nephew today:

*holding out his hand with five rolly-pollies in it*
andy: this one's name is Lucky. because he's alive... and they aren't.

smell ya' later. no... really. i'll be smelling you all day.

2009-04-23T08:38:00.000-07:00

me: is it just me or are more and more men wearing too much bad cologne lately?
sister: haha, i made andy change his shirt before he went to school yesterday.
me: glad you're making a difference.
sister: one little man down, 20 million men to go.

i am a book.

2009-03-07T09:09:00.000-08:00

there is a job i have looked into for the last three and a half years.
i check out their website.
i went and visited the campus.
it's a home for children. to be a houseparent.

you have to apply to apply. i applied years ago for an application. denied.
i applied again. just out of curiosity and where my heart is. success.

and i read through the information they send me. about the home. about the children. about the position. it is so much. and it is where i want to be. i think.

but then the requirements. not that you have to have a degree. or a masters. or have grown up in a well-respected family that will give you the experience you need to be a parent to orphans.

Staff are not allowed to have tattoos.

and just like that i am out of the game. judged by a cover with tiny doodlings of a bored teenager.
i don't get that.

just a little.

2009-03-02T12:28:00.000-08:00

on this day i am feeling...

a little overwhelmed by life.
a little underwhelmed by my life.
a little underdone.
a little done over.
a little over it.
a little lacking it.
a little lacking.

little. in a world of big dreams. bigger needs.
i feel little.
and i wonder if i have the capacity to... something. something bigger than words. and bigger than self.

worky workerson.

2009-02-14T07:28:00.000-08:00

eileen: ok dr seuss enough with the rhyming it was bad enough on facebook
me: it's not rhyming. it's an alliteration
eileen: no... do not debate which level of cheeziness you chose
me: pleaseey?
eileen: what happened to my friend?

no fear in the retching.

2009-02-12T21:47:00.000-08:00

today i rubbed a child's back as he threw up in a bucket. my heart beat a little faster, my gag reflex wanted to... flex. it was ten minutes into a fourteen hour day (ten point five hours children, three point five administration). we sat on the concrete. i brushed hair off the forehead and he cried a bit. and in that moment, strangely, i thought how much i really love what i do. where i am.

i used to panick. people throw up. i panicked. hyperventilation. it was irrational. it was the reason i gave up nursing. and thought i would never have children (morning sickness. just the thought had me reaching for my inhalor.)

but today i knew. it's worth it. loving these children. loving people. it is so worth it.
the handful of times i've had task of holding a friend's hair back or doing post-retch wash cloth-ing, those are the times that i am so acutely aware of how much i love them.

perhaps it's the recognition of human fraility. or maybe just thinking how touched i have been by those who have held my hair, washed my face. loved in my worst moments.

but i think what hit the hardest was knowing that love. this love. is God. it is His love in me. given to me. shown through me. because in my humanity there is fear in this place. in the retching. but perfect love casts out all fear.

it is time to go home now.

and we were full of peace.

2009-01-29T11:38:00.000-08:00

i had a dream last night about time travelling. i was already in the future. i went back to a year ago. and visited a dear friend. we walked a quiet snowy street. i told her i cared so much for her. and we were full of peace.

as i left, i asked her to tell the me she knew to just walk away. and then i smiled. and walked away. to go further into the past.

and then. with my mom. she the mom and me the child in a red ballet tutu. and i knew.

i knew.

she the mom. and me a child.

when i returned i had to cross off the places i was assigned to travel. and i saw i was not going to go back again. i asked the lady why i had no more assignments.

and she said i had finished what i needed to accomplish. and that next time going back would only be for the joy of memories.

2009-01-27T08:09:00.000-08:00

i had a dream last night about vampires. and i was afraid. because i knew i was the bad one.

oh. destination.

2009-01-04T18:25:00.000-08:00

yesterday was a disaster. i went to get my oil changed and my inspection done. but rarely do things go as planned. when it was all done (with absolutely nothing done. except two garage visits, a $300 bill, an unpassed inspection, and a verbal beating.) i drove home, drained from the run around and all the tears. and i had to examine why something so minor hit me in such a dramatic way. i mean, on the most basic level it was simply a bad day where a man was very (very) rude and my car is repairably broken. not actually that big of a deal.

but. it was.

for a few reasons.

let me rewind to two weeks ago. when i left for portland on a bus, got stuck in salt lake city, and returned back to fort worth. a four and a half day bus ride to go nowhere, essentially. lessons were learned, people met, adventures had. the silver lining acknowledged. and dont get me wrong, the time back has been really wonderful. really.
but i am tired of the silver lining. i am tired of the lessons. i am tired of going on journeys that only lead me right back to where i started.

am i missing something? something essential that keeps bringing me back to this place?

so the car. the thing about this day is that i hate car stuff. hate. i dont know what a catalytic converter does. i dont know who rick is. i dont know what might make a car burn more efficiently so it will pass an emissions test or where to find an oil pan so i dont have to hundreds of dollars for a new one.

and i cant handle when people are mean. i shut down. tell me to shut the fuck up. i will. later ill fight you in my thoughts, but in the moment. i might cry.
i wont fight for myself. and in that moment. in that day. i felt like no one else ever will either. i thought about the disappointments.

where is honor? where is glory? and where are the men who are made in Your image?

i know this is all so melodramatic. so well aware. sometimes i think that maybe if i can expel the thoughts, the facts will change.

the truth is, i feel a bit lost lately.

buttons and fortune cookies.

2008-11-26T19:49:00.000-08:00

i feel like i need to make a... clarification (for lack of better words.)

this year i got older. not wiser. not 365 days older.
just... older. a more prominent frown line between my eye brows older. dye my hair to cover the grey older.
however.
it is because i have had a choice. and i havent always chosen wisely.

see. there are circumstances we cant control. choices people have made for us. natural disasters. family.
but we... i. can control how i handle it. the direction of my heart.
and too often i let the direction of my heart veer from the truths and the promises God has declared over my life. over Life. i forget His heart.

and i dont know why im being public with this thought. but i feel like ive played the victim. and im sorry for that.

i have two irrational loves. finding buttons and fortune cookies.
last monday i was walking to class. a little stressed. a little lonely. and no sleep. and there, in the middle of the sidewalk was a fortune: "you will advance socially, without any special effort."
nice.

and then friday. walking. was a large silver button. with a beautiful design. and, as i sat in my broke down car a few hours later. i remembered it. and remembered how cherished i am by a loving God.

now. today. waiting for a lab to start. (two hours early because i got the times mixed up...) on the ground. another fortune: "now is the best time for you to be spontaneous. serendipity!" a silly message. but it gets my heart.

then we'll put this all behind us.

2008-11-24T04:04:00.000-08:00

this year has worn the grooves for a better tomorrow.but i will still say a happy good riddance. because it has not been the best year. and i think that is ok to say.

i think it is sometimes ok to say i am not entirely happy. not entirely.
i think it is ok to say it has been a bad day. or a bad month. or a bad year.
to say things will get better. to say thank you for the sweet moments. and to move on.

to move on. from this bad taste. from the hurts of a bitter year.
to move on from unfulfilled and often selfish expectations. and too much heartache.
to keep moving. keep trusting. keep loving.

to not allow bitterness to cling onto this mind.
or this heart to be hardened.

perhaps we're in the valleys. and perhaps it won't end today. or tomorrow. or even next year. but we're below the tree line. where life is.

and this one will keep going.

2008-10-20T05:07:00.000-07:00

we used to live in the country. long dark roads without names. long drives lost in thought.

"mom, where are we?"
"we're nowhere."
"no really. where are we?"
"just between places."
"...but... where are we?"
"bridget... we're nowhere."

a simple conversation. a simple late night answer from a tired, single mom.

we're nowhere.

love is a powerful thing. it makes a woman going nowhere continue to go. to not abandon. to have hope when everything tells her life is hopeless.

shambles of rambles.

2007-07-31T20:41:00.000-07:00

my coffee sang to me on saturday morning. seriously. it did. though im pretty sure it was actually my mug. (ive named my mugs the marshmellow trio because, well, they look like white marshmellows and theres three.)
i think it was the hot liquid poured into ceramic with tiny bubbles, thus the air escaping made a humming-sing-song noise. so for about a full minute i sat with my ear to the mug. smiling. ("yes, God?")
this is now my favorite mug. he's the marshmellow king.

the weird thing is, right before i poured the cup'a joe, i was pretty sure the pot of coffee was buzzing. even checked the outlet. so im thinking maybe its the electricity. i seem to attract an unusual amount of electric currents. we had an old lamp when i was a kid that would vvviiipp me everytime i turned it on. or even walked near it. i tried only touching it with oven mitts on, but even that didnt abate its intensity. so i began taking a rainbowed path around the end table, forced to avoid an entire section of the livingroom by an energetically rabid appliance.

and then there was that time a few months ago when a minor bolt of electricity lept out of the phone at my ear. i had an entire room of witnesses for that one. and a very red ear.

so what is this? is God trying to speak to me? (burning bush.. shocking lamps..) are my ions off? could this have something to do with my great grandfather being struck by lightening. twice.
or perhaps being a human lightening rod is genetic.

onto a subject that relates in my head(rabbit trails of the mind.)..
in church the other day someone was praying for God to be the center of our lives. and i thought, yeah, He's the center. and im a visual thinker, so i got the picture i usually get when i pray this prayer or sing this song.
a picture of an atom. nucleus. protons and electrons orbiting around.
sometimes close and sometimes far away, but always making the nucleus the center.

but then God said no. thats not really the picture I ever had for you.
i used to have a pilates instructor who always said "the spine is your lifeline" ryan and i made fun of her (we still do sometimes.. but all in good fun. she was a sweet lady and a good instructor. i digress.) and that line came to my head. how the spine is the center of the body. it holds upright. if the spine is off, everything is off. its not a perfect analogy, and i suddenly find myself at a loss for time to elaborate. but.. think about it.

i need to get out of this office. im getting fat on rice cakes and burned from fluorescents.

your goodnight is my goodmorning.

2007-06-08T00:17:00.000-07:00

after my shower i turned off the water. and. sat down in the bottom of the tub. wrapped my arms around my knees. and waited. i listened to the way the water dripped from the faucet. the sound my arms made as they slipped apart. to my breathing, the shower curtain pushed back, the noise the towl made as it brushed against my skin.
i dried off. got dressed. put too much eye shadow on. maybe i will feel normal again if i wear make up. (it doesnt work.)
drive away in the big red truck that makes me feel like a child in an overstuffed chair. music. the glue that holds these thoughts together. but i dont know this song. and i dont like it.
i write stories in my head about the people i never talk to.this city is too small and still i dont know anyone. then it dawns on me: i never got off the plane. i left that life and have yet to enter this one. and now im not a part of either.

time to step off... no re-entry. only new beginnings. and it's good.

wave goodbye.

2007-05-27T23:58:00.000-07:00

i'm not good at it (but is anyone? does anyone boast in the ability to say goodbye easily? and even if you did posess this natural talent, would you ever be able to adequately practice, what with everyone else being so rubbish at it?) to sum up a year in a two hour meeting. a two minute talk. a too short goodbye note.

one year.

one year ago i was going to weddings and funerals and end of the year plays. i was packing and preparing for my two month trip. when do we cross over from mission trip to everyday life? (when foreign smells take you home. unfamiliar streets are your daily walk. and strangers become your family.)
one year ago i had a steady job and a steady boyfriend. a red honda civic and a future i could map.

and now?

now i have a depleted savings account. a few thousand united airline bonus miles. an international family. a contact list that spammers would be jealouse of. and a relationship with Jesus that runs deeper than any ive experienced before. i have a head full of dreams and eyes full of tears. (a few) regrets. (a ton) of memories. knowledge. experience. love that goes beyond feelings. friendships that go beyond circumstance. home that goes beyond location.

i feel broken. but maybe this is not so bad. maybe we should all know the feeling of missing pieces. maybe only a broken heart has the ability to allow love to leak out.

and besides.. it's so worth it.

[texas, oh texas. the 30th will hold sweet embraces.]

playing it cool and coming off cold.

2007-05-04T01:15:00.000-07:00

i ate an apple core today because i couldnt find a garbage bin. and i hate the disdanful look people give you when you throw your core in the canal. it's biodegradable, people.. come on!

there should be a punctuation mark for retorical questions. maybe a question mark and elipse combined (.?.) but more squished together. or only two periods.

i bought my plane ticket back to texas.. may 30th. land of the free.. live as free men, but do not use your freedom as a covering for evil; live as bondservants of God. 1 peter 2v16
i have been thinking about freedom. what it is.. what it should be used for.. and what that means in my life. i never realized what freedom i have simply by being born into a country of opportunity. but what do we do with all this freedom? get a nice job? travel? im praying about the near future.. about how to spend my freedom. in a way that will not simply serve myself. i have some thoughts, but nothing concrete. i could definitely use prayer in this area.

does everyone feel this way? this confined (within thought) and restless (within self). and more (always more of undefinable nothing). to almost feel crazy (only in segments, of course). but even to know that is too rational. one cannot know they are crazy. i know therefore i am not. logic of the sane. i am afraid i will always be so restless, but i find it only occurs when it's time to move on to the next place (i might stand still forever if my toes didnt wriggle so much).

this week has been nice.

paper and ink.

2007-04-23T02:37:00.000-07:00

i wrote this last night while working the sleeper shift...

these are my thoughts. and i cant seem to make them fully coherient lately. i cant mold them into something encouraging or useful.
i am concerned (thats the holy way of saying worried..scared.) about the quickly approaching future.
i am angry. about. a few things. i am angry when i cant say im angry. i am totally not making sense.
why do men think they can get naked in a public hallway? (i am working reception. if you are in a public place where there are cameras, know that people do watch them.)

indecision and uncertainity. two things i really dont like. and apathy.
i feel there is so much, though. i feel kind of trapped. and like things are spiraling at a rate i cant stop. spinning and flying into a direction i dont understand. i think perhaps the centrifugal force will pull everything and everyone i hold dear to me away. i already feel it.

im really, really tired tonight. and ive felt heavy the last few days. i seem to only write when im down and my brain is all complicated. thats not good. because there are so many good things that i dont write about. well, not here anyway. the waste of scraps and reciepts always want to claim my words for their own.

some good things:
-there are amazing people in this world. many of them are friends of mine. (yes, thats you.)
-i found a really sweet pink flower-shaped button yesterday.
-my skateboarding is improving.. bruises and scabs are not, unfortunately.
-paul and i made amazing vegetarian curry stir fry for the staff dinner tonight.
-i have a bicycle when i go back to texas, courtesy of my mom. im boycotting cars (my finances are standing behind me on this one.)
-i get a weird bitter taste in my mouth everytime i eat sugary stuff. this doesnt seem like a good thing, but it's encouraging me not to eat sugary stuff. silver lining, eh?

someone is playing the titanic theme song down the hall. im pretty sure thats the cue signifying my shift end.

i prayed last night about it all. today is proving to be beautiful and full of promise...

we.are.weak.

2007-03-11T16:54:00.000-07:00

i cry out, how many times will You forget me, Lord?
and He answers, sweet daughter, how many times You forget the sound of my voice...

-"i am afraid that someday it will all be too much for me."
-"well, maybe it will be. but He will be there on that day, too."

focus, focus, focus. why can i never focus?
sometimes i blur my eyes and all is just light.
and that. is what we shall do-- blur our eyes
and see only light.

faith
hope
love
words that so easily roll off my tongue.
and fall to the floor.

but Your strength is made perfect in our weakness.
we. are. weak.

Father,
let our hearts not turn rebellious to Your discipline. (to be like You..)
let our minds not be closed to Your wisdom. (to know You..)
let our ears not turn deaf to Your calling. (to know Your voice..)
let our eyes not be shut to Your purpose. (to love..)

broken.

everyone has secrets they never meant to keep.

2007-03-07T19:20:00.000-08:00

everyone has secrets they never meant to keep. the most important details that just never came up. not because we lie. not because we don't want to tell. just because, well, it's just detail, reactions, mannerisms.

you didn't know i run? i didn't know you smoked.

no big deal, because these are the things we'll learn in time. learn to love.

i have debt. you have baggage? who doesn't.. shall we carry on?

the past is a funny thing. always a gentleman that walks behind and catches you when your trip. but this is unwanted attention. go away, Learned Response. i want a new sutior.

sorry, sometimes my temper gets the best of me.
that's ok, i already shut down when things got too emotional.

so what do you do? give up on friendships? on people?

there are dancers in my head.
there are voices in mine...

because you can never fully know them. never fully trust them.

i love reading fashion magazines in bed.
i like to read the back of my shampoo bottle in the shower.

or do you accept that people are.. mysterious. intriguing. and sometimes a little quirky.

i'm afraid of being alone.
oh, i so know what you mean... i really hate wet paper.

2007-02-18T02:22:00.000-08:00

discovery is an amazing thing. particularly items on the ground.. buttons, lost earings. parts of people's lives that were once important. urban seaglass. sometimes thats what i feel like.. sea glass. tumbling around relationships and circumstance, slowly wearing down the sharp edges.

i have a bad habit of buying music based on the cover. hoping have some great find. there's this fantastic music store on utrechtsestraat with about twelve rooms of used cds, records, house music, dance, new stuff. it's dangerous.

so i start looking through all this used music, wondering who listened to it last. im a sucker for the cardboard packaged cd's that look like they were made in someone's basement. someday these impulse purchases will pay off, and i will stumble upon the perfect music... today i am stuck with some opratic crap that sounds like a mix between josh groban and sarah brightman. wouldn't it suck to be this guy's girlfriend and have to hear him singing around the house all the time? yes, eileen, it would.

perhaps sometimes i write too cryptically. let me tell you how the days have been...
+ i have taken many, many walks. partially because of the beautiful weather and partially due to the desperate need to clear my head.
- (im working on a plus and minus system here..) i have had a headache (i had to go back and edit that spelling. yes, i am a bad speller.) for six days straight. yes, six. it's making me crazy.
+ i did laundry today (i lead an exciting life).
- afore mentioned laundry is hanging from every rafter and shelf in my room (and loft). it's a bit spooky and very steamy. niet goed.
- niet goed is the only dutch i have mastered. oh, and counting to ten. bridget = a dutch toddler. sigh.

hm, i think the listing of my days is a bust. the difficult thing in sharing about life or people is that all the importance lies in the details. years from now the big events (weddings, funerals, drunken rages) will dissolve and it will be the moments of crazy girl in the basement (with an anonymous friend..) and the art of fidgiting with coasters that will remain cherished memories.

forgive me february for i shall never love you.

2007-02-09T23:57:00.000-08:00

so beautiful. this song.
it snowed yesterday. proper snow. there's a certain sound in the silence of snow that resonates right in my head.
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

february is a strange month. not congruent with the rest. too few days so it feels as if the time goes by much faster. we've barely just begun and it's half way over. not to mention the whole season delima. technically, february is a winter month. having grown up in texas, though, february is more of a transition from cold to warm. i enjoy the cold (mostly) but it's difficult breaking off those unrealistic expectations of spring. forgive me, february, for i shall never love you.

i saw life yesterday, and it was phenominal. a man named sajjad became a christian during the evening bible discussion. ive always had a difficult time celebrating the act of "someone becoming a christian" because it seemed calculatory and false. like, "score! we've produced another one for the Kingdom!" but to be there last night. to see that i am only witnessing the last scene of the persual of a man's heart. and the beginning of a new creation. to see that it is all God. perhaps i am not communicating this correctly. but it is beautiful.

i've been a bit ill today. niet goed. but it has been a fairly decent day.in other news, i'm learning french and dutch...so goede nacht and bonne nuit...

for antony. because he asked.

2007-02-02T17:25:00.000-08:00

God is teaching me how to trust Him. Father, i trust You.
God is teaching me patience. how to wait. is it worth it? yes. i will wait for You, Lord.
God is teaching me how to worship and live in joy, even when my outside surroundings are not conducive to this mindset. i will rejoice in You and Your righteousness.
God is teaching me how to love. unconditionally. even when i want to close myself. i will not harden my heart, oh Lord.
God is teaching me how to bless. bless and do not curse. i will pray Your blessings even in my hurt.
God is teaching me to walk in integrity. to not work in my own understanding. i will do Your will. walk Your path.
God is teaching me to surrender my life. not mine, but Yours, Father. it's all Yours. always Yours.

on thoughts.

2007-01-16T07:46:00.000-08:00

thoughts are. strange things.they fill my head, fill my body, till there's room for little else. i try to extricate them from my head, but, like a clown's silk scarves, they just. keep. coming. one attached to another.no, a mind cannot be cleared. nor can thoughts be organized. perhaps the brain is sectioned off in hemispheres and lobes of reason and sense, but thoughts cannot be compartmentalized. if i push them back, they push others forward. they are not polite.they are fussy children that demand precedence and steal my attention, especially the ones that cannot be worked out.so i wrap them up and give them as a gift to my Father. a gift He is happy to recieve and i am reluctant to give. but, once again, He turnes my trash into treasures.

He puts order to my scarves and blankets me with peace.

humanity

2007-01-07T23:40:00.000-08:00

some days you walk away from things and feel like you might have made a difference. like maybe you had a positive affect on someone or something in the world. today was not one of those days. today is one of those days where prayer doesnt come easily. where worship falls flat. when it's a sacrifice. today is one of those days where one big thing weighs heavy on you, and 10 small things break you down. where the unspoken stings more than words. today is a day that i long for a tangible love to hold fast and to comfort. to say that tomorrow will be better. yes, perhaps tomorrow will be better.

yearly wrap up.

2006-12-30T02:22:00.000-08:00

some writings from the past year:

amsterdam v. texas; old friends v. new friends; single v. relationship. it's hard having two worlds because they are always at war with each other. and i never pay enough attention to one or the other.

running is good. i can run away from my fears and insecurites and still come back home. running takes me closer to my destination, but forces me to focus on the places at hand.

i hate change i cant control. i like the small routines in my life. my before bed routine, and even the more abstract routines of conversing with friends you know well. and here, everything is liquid. people are in and out. my every space is invaded. every routine is changed.

the future is never as i planned. yet i continue to plan. i continue to be frustrated when my plans dont turn out. how long will it take to get over my disappointment and see the more favorable results? i am impatient and long for the security of knowing what tomorrow holds.

please, Jesus, remove from me this need for false affirmation. You are my every purpose. You are the reason i wake up and breathe. make Your will mine. create in me a clean heart.

how many times will i run from You? running away. running. to the abyss of an unknown certaintity. how many times will i run back to You? running, dragging. carried. to he heart of a loving Father. i am so broken and unworthy. You are strength and full of grace.

i do not play risk with my heart.

i am meant to live by the sea. to feel the salt and wind. i hear Your voice in the waves and see Your majesty in the colors and vastness.i like how the ocean makes me feel so small and so apart of something bigger.

Your strength is made perfect in my weakness. i surrender.

a days worth of years.

2006-12-08T15:27:00.000-08:00

only a day older, yet the year has caught up to me. some small discoveries at 24:

- glycerine is still my favorite song (and i still dont know what it means)
- as i get older, i know more of who i am and less of what i want to do with my life. im ok with that.
- sometimes pure happiness almost feels sad.
- i am not as wise, nor as fat, as i often feel.
- i can live on very little, but i need people. need. and im ok with that as well.
- i am not an island. every decision i make will directly or indirectly affect someone else. act responsibly.

some notes on my visit home:

- time spent with my family is priceless. i am beyond blessed to have my mom and sister as best friends.
- 9th annual cookie party. successful, sans the absence of karri. (but saturday made up for it :D)
- church. so amazing...you can worship alone, but there is something so powerful about people gathered for one purpose: to give glory to our Creator. and to know people are alongside you in prayer, no matter where in the world you choose to be.
- dinner with andrea. precious. ;)
- i still find texas beautiful.